Because 2013 has been difficult. We had troubles at home, I was being torturedly shriveled by my own insecurities and doubts, my self-esteem wasn't at its best, and basically home wasn't a place I wanted to be at anymore. There have just been a lot, and it was difficult, seeing everything I ever believed in being torn apart into pieces. What made it even worse was the fact that I couldn't tell anybody about it. Not because nobody was willing to listen, and not because I never wanted to tell them. It's just that.. it's how I've always been. I don't tell people my heartbreaks, my weaknesses, my doubts. Perhaps because I find it easier that way. Because then I wouldn't have to tell people about anything, I wouldn't owe them any story, or any explanation for the quiet tears I shed at night. I know they know I cry... a lot. But they don't ask, maybe because they know I don't want them to. And I like that. I like that they don't ask ― most of the time, at least.
With all these I thought, maybe this was a time where my faith was being tested. There were times when, everything just seemed like a big fat blur. I didn't know what to do, or where to go, or just how to keep living. And then I remember I have Him. He would nonchalantly breeze in in front of me in one of my dazes, as if reminding me He's always there, and I just needed to look. His works are indeed mysterious, like how He brings someone into your life when you need it the most, that being, him, my boyfriend. But he is more than just a need. I like to look at him, my boyfriend, as a present from Him. He has been a leap of faith for me this year. I don't know how, or where, or when, but I realized how everything just fell into place when he came. One morning I woke up and said to myself, I am never going to put this present into waste. For the first time in my life, I wanted to keep something, someone, for myself. And I thought this was a good thing, considering how much I've lost in my life. Suddenly all the loss are blurred out by this gain. It felt good.
And I guess that's just really what it takes to be okay. You just have to feel good. No matter how painful, regretful, embarrassing and ill-fated the situation you are in, you just have to suck it up and feel good. It will be difficult, yes. And it's okay to be sad, but not sullen, and not for a long time. You have to feel good as soon as possible. Think of the things you have rather succumb into the things you don't have. Focus on the gain, rather than focusing on the loss. It sounds cliche, but it always, always worked for me.
I know it's not like me to post a personal rambling here. I just felt like this is one of those quiet moments, where I have to revisit all the good thoughts. Plus, the fact that I recently got hold of a very important secret. It's one of the reasons I'm actually blogging right now. A few days ago I got in a fight with my boyfriend. The reason being, the usual me, so negative and torturously damaging, throwing things at his face (figuratively, of course) without even giving a logical explanation. After about two days we made up. And he told me to look for the film "The Secret" and watch it. He's actually been telling me about it for weeks now, but my response would always go like "Okay but I want to watch it with you" (when really, I was just too lazy to download an hour and a half film online). Until one day when I think he really felt the need for me to watch it, so he insisted. So I did, good thing our dormitory internet was cooperating that time. And it was totally worth my time. And is totally worth sharing in any way possible. So here.
The secret worked on me hours after knowing about it. I lost my 8GB miniature canon camera flashdrive a week ago. I was practically depressed the whole time. I kept on hating myself for losing it, because it was a gift from my father and it was just about a month old. One freaking month, that's all it took me to lose such an important thing, who wouldn't get depressed? So after watching the film, I thought maybe I should use the secret and see what happens. Guess what, the next day my classmate tells me someone found my flashdrive near the canteen. What. a. miracle. Right? These are just the little things. Imagine all the other things that can happen if I continue using the secret. So yes, I am considering this as a part of my whole regeneration process. Please do watch. All it would really take, is to believe.
Anyway, holidays are coming. I want to go home and spend it without any hate, or bad feelings, so spend it with joy I shall. I hope you guys spend it well with your folks too. Happy Christmas!
Oh and, backlog posts are coming! That of my previous events, experiences, hangouts and many more!
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